Maintaining Religious Rituals After Faith

I have only within the last few months come to the realization that I no longer have any religious beliefs, and have been struggling with the issues surrounding this realization. The word "atheist" has certain negative connotations for those who have grown up in religious families, and the generalizations and stereotypes you have learned from childhood do not go away quickly; and even if you do overcome your sense of distaste for the word, others around you will not automatically change just because you have. So even though I do not hold any religious or spiritual beliefs, I do feel a bit timid about using the word atheist to describe myself. I expect that over time this will change, and my emotional connections to religious rites and rituals will also change, becoming less important to me.

There is also the fact that for several years now, I have only felt connected to religion in a cultural, rather than a religious, way. I felt a connection to what in Islam is called the "Ummah", roughly translated as nation, which is the concept of brotherhood between all Muslims. Judaism has a similar concept, embodied in the phrase "kol yisrael arevim zeh bazeh" from the Talmud (Shevuot 39a), meaning "all of Israel are responsible for each other." Christianity lacks a strong sense of this concept; perhaps this is why there has been so much fighting between Christian sects throughout Christianity's history. In fact, Paul (in 1 Cor. 5:11) advocates the opposite, a full exclusion of those who are guilty of even seemingly minor transgressions, including being greedy or being a gossip. This type of full exclusion, without even sharing food with such a person, is now usually called "excommunication."

So my involvement in religion has for some time been centered more on my sense of community, wanting to be a part of something larger than myself, and being a part of a social group, than it has been on my connection to a deity. I wished to be identified by others as a Muslim, because of my sympathy for the plight of Muslims in certain countries today and my admiration for the scholars of the golden age of Islam. Now that I can no longer delude myself into believing that I am somehow culturally religious, I am questioning my choice of clothing and my desire to partake in certain religious rituals.

Changing my entire wardrobe is a daunting prospect, due in large part to financial considerations (overhauling your entire wardrobe is an expensive proposition for almost anyone). There is also the consideration of the fact that others in my community have seen me wear one type of clothes (hijabs and abayas) for several years; if I suddenly changed my entire wardrobe, I might be asked questions I do not wish to answer.

Another factor is that I wear a hijab in part to cover up my being bald. I have alopecia areata, a general term that probably refers to several distinct diseases. It means that my hair falls out in circular patches for no discernible reason. Because it is neither a communicable disease nor a deadly disease, and it does not affect a large percentage of the population, the pharmaceutical community has little interest in researching a cure. My hair has been falling out in some areas and growing in in others since I was about 5 years old. There are no treatments that are effective.

The smallest amount of hair I had was when I was about 12-13, and I had about 15-20% of my hair; now I have about 40-45% of it. But even what I do have I keep shorter than an inch. I have no interest in growing out my hair. I faced much criticism when I was younger for going out in public so nearly bald; people considered it appalling and scandalous, and many told me I should wear a wig. I would probably face the same criticisms now. I would rather be perceived as religious than as trying to make some kind of statement. I would rather face questions about Islam than about why I am bald.

I also have some rather strange and illogical emotions about certain days of the year and what I want to happen to my body after my death. I feel emptiness around the time of the death of my grandmother (one of the few people who ever understood me). I feel a longing towards religion near certain religious holidays, and want to be a part of the festivities, but not because I believe in the concepts behind the holidays. I don't believe in the need to fast or pray, but I do like bonding with others over the meals that are often associated with the end of a fast or are a part of another holiday.

I have a strong desire to be buried in a traditional Muslim way, or the very similar Jewish way, but not in a Christian way. Similarly, I would not want Christian funeral rites, but I would want Muslim or Jewish ones. I do not want an open casket funeral and I do not want to be cremated. There is no tangible reason I can point to for these things. The closest I can come to an answer as to why this matters to me, considering I will not have any knowledge of what is happening to my body after my death, and I do not believe in an afterlife, is that this body has been my only tool for interacting with the world. Everything I have ever experienced, good and bad, has been experienced through this body. My sight, my smell, my sense of touch, my hearing, etc, have been the stimuli sent to my brain that became my experience of the world. So I wish to treat my body with a certain level of respect after it has ceased to function.

I also want my body to return to being a part of the cycle of life, decomposing to become a part of the ecosystem which nourished me throughout my life. A simple casket, or being wrapped in cloth without a casket, will allow the fauna that are nourished by decomposition to absorb nutrients more readily, allowing them to return the nutrients in my body to the soil to feed the plants, which will in turn feed larger animals. Life in all its many forms will continue, and the matter that comprised my body will be incorporated into new life.